Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Stay With US.......


I have had a hard time blogging lately.
I wish I could say it is because I am so busy I just have not had the time.....
But I do.
I thought I could hop on here and say that life is so good, I have more important things to do....
But I really don't 
I wish I could say that life has gotten in the way
but it really has not....

Life feels like it is standing still
we are in so many ways....
Waiting.....
Waiting for Summer to pass....
Waiting for the leaves to change again.....
Waiting for Winter to be here....
Waiting for forward momentum....
Waiting for another new year.

Because, if I am being honest, this year has been hard
and I am ready for it to be a memory.
Things did not work out according to our plan in STL.
We are back here, 
living off family, 
searching for jobs, 
picking up the pieces,
trying to smile and push through
and it is hard.

I have been through what feels like every negative emotion
anger
fear
resentment
bitterness
envy
wishing bad thoughts toward people I once respected
and I am not proud of that.

But I am growing
and I am finding peace 
though pieces of understanding
I have mourned the loss of "what might have been"
I am thankful for what we have
and I am praying for those I once felt fury.
I have found a peace.
But it is hard.

Out of nowhere I will get so angry
at certain things
certain people
nothing in particular
and I have to make a decision
right then and there
Am I going to let this consume me?
My answer is NO!

I won't do that
to my husband
to my kids
my family
I won't do that to myself
I won't do that with this life

I will pray.....
for peace
patience
my marriage
my baby boy and girl

I will ask for guidance
I will fall again, but always 
one less time than I get back up

And this family
this little blog full of  
stories
memories
snapshots
will continue

Perfecting the art of making 
everyday "nothing" into 
something extraordinary
in our home.

3 comments:

This Heavenly Life said...

This is so hard to read, but it also strikes a chord (I'm betting with lots of people). Life is hard, and it feels like a slap in the face when our perfect hopes disappear -- replaced with...what? We don't know yet.

But praying and vowing to LIVE what life comes our way...that's beautiful. I hope you are filled with peace, soon. And I'm glad you'll be in this space when you can, because the view through your lens is stunning :)

Brooke said...

beautiful.....picture, words, ideas, views, thoughts, reflections

i wish i could tell you when things will get back to the normal you once new but unfortunately i can't

finding a new normal...maybe that's the gift, journey, goal?

seltzermint said...

I just stumbled upon your blog and your life seems very beautiful, I am so sorry to hear that you are struggling currently. Huge hugs for you from cyberspace.