Doin' Somethin' Right

This picture is my first day alone with my son. After all the family had gone home, the Dad-O had returned to work, and we were left alone. The first of many days we would have,  just the two of us. I would be lying if I said I remember this exact day with vivid comprehension. My memory is actually more like the picture staring back at you, it comes to me in snapshots.

 The smells in the house, the sweet scent of his skin are fleeting. The sounds of his precious coos whispering in my ears, the taste of the slobbering kisses he gave with no hesitation, they only flash into sight for a few seconds at a time, but they are more like a dream.

What I do remember as if it were yesterday.....the fear I felt, the questions I constantly was asking myself about the mother I was going to be, the Mommy I was in that moment, so afraid, and so full of doubt. I was sleep deprived, uncomfortable in my body,  I wondered if I was the wife I needed to be my husband. I felt alone, like I had no friends that understood my position, I had questions about my choices regarding work. I could not see my future, I felt out of control. 

Looking at this picture....I.taste. the. FEAR.

Because.....

It is NOT an aftertaste that occasionally makes its presence known

These questions are ever-present.

I asked most of them TODAY

But tonight

I knelt beside B's bed and folded my hands to pray the same prayer I have prayed with him since his first days here on earth 

and

for the first time

B folded his hands and tucked them inside of my praying hands so that mine were surrounding all ten of his still so tiny fingers 

and

for the first time

B repeated the last few words of each line of the prayer in a sweet soprano harmony to my voice.

and

I thought

I must be

Doin' Somethin' Right